If you missed President Obama’s State of the Union address, then please enjoy these bullet points of the speech through my live tweets during the speech.

Now playing “Which cabinet member is currently getting a free ride on Air Force One tonight.” #KeepingTheLineOfSuccessionInPlace

…and now John Boehner weeps.

The plug for the teleprompter is located next to John Boehner. At any time, he can “accidentally kick the plug.” #SOTUfacts

Will Joe Bieden please stop nodding his head like a gold digging woman pretending to give a shit about a rich old guy during a date? #sotu

“To pay for this innovation, we’ll do the old fashioned government way. We’re gonna rob Peter to pay Paul.” #ActualSOTUspeech

18% of Congress members in the chamber right now are not paying attention to the President, but playing Angry Birds. #SOTUfacts

“We’ve frozen the pay of hard working federal employees. Aw hell who am I kidding, they don’t do shit anyway.” #actualSOTUlines

“If you send me a bill with earmarks in it, I will veto it. Oh, and Happy Opposite Day!” #SOTU

Joe Bieden just acted like a 12 year old who got a shout out on the radio. OHMIGOD HE TALKED ABOUT ME!!! OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! #SOTU

Obama is talking about drilling and using Plan B. #SOTUXXX

MSNBC calls the speech “great.” Fox News calls it “weak.” Telemundo said “Estábamos ocupados viendo la camiseta de la costa.” #sotu

Thanks for attending the Barack Obama Comedy Hour. Please make sure you tip your waitress and drive home safely. #SOTU