Bizarre Observations with Matt Haze

Laugh, then think. From the mind of comedian Matt Haze.

WANTED: Cash to go to Austria to taste test the McDonald’s McRibster

OHMIGOD!

OHMIGOD!

I believe it’s times like this that Kickstarter was created for.

McDonalds has introduced a brand new sandwich called the McRibster to the great country of Austria!  *waves hello to all 3 people that read my blog in Austria*

According to BurgerBusiness.com, McDonald’s describes the McRibster [what an awesome name] as “juicy pork, bacon, pepper-Jack cheese, and crunchy iceberg lettuce, red onion, delicious honey-mustard sauce and spicy sweet chili sauce.”

Pshhh.  I can describe that sandwich in one word:  Heaven.

Now if you didn’t know, my buddy Mo’ Bounce from Z100 in New York and I did a professional unbagging review of its sister sandwich, the infamous McRib.  [If you haven't seen it, you can watch it below.]  We did a thorough review of said sandwich as one should when it comes to something this special.  From packaging to taste, we got the answers America wanted.

I believe that I need to be fair and tell all sides of the sandwich family story.  Which means I need to get my ass on a flight to Austria and bury my teeth in this potential delicate delicious delite first hand!!!!!  I will use my years of experience as a professional midwest fast food junkie to give you the inside info you really don’t want to know, nor care about!

So… who wants to pitch in $20 for the flight???

Here’s the McRib review…

Holy ad placement, Batman! Mass exodus from BlackBerry to iPhone hits too close to home…

Over the last few weeks, a few divisions in the federal government have announced doing something that millions of other smartphone users have done, including myself: ditch their beloved BlackBerry and switch to the fancy  iPhone.  First, it was NOAA.  Now, the ATF is jumping on the bandwagon.  And many organizations in the private sector are doing the same thing.

Since I jumped ship in July last year, I have not really paid attention to any BlackBerry news or updates.  I see new devices they put out but that’s the extent of it.

So today, I decided to head over to BlackBerry Cool, a site I used to frequent daily when I was a Crackberry addict, for the first time in 6ish months.  I wanted to see what was new and cool in the BB world.

And within the first second of looking at the site, I can see that the mass exodus to iPhone truly is underway.

How could I tell?

Check out the banner ad at the top…

Well played, AT&T.  Well.  Played.

*hugs my iPhone*

Who says you can’t see the ROI in social media?!?

When it comes to social media, one of the biggest questions people ask is “How do I see a return on my investment from the money and time I put into it??”

Everyone seems to have their own opinion on the subject.  Some businesses can show actual dollars generated from their time online.  Others believe it’s about throwing your brand out there for potential business.

Me?  I see return on my investment in constantly tweeting in, well, unique offers like this one I received…

Yummiest.  Payment.  EVER.

Live tweeting of the 2012 Grammy Awards

Last night per the request of one person who bribed me with a free steak dinner, I live tweeted my thoughts of the 2012 Grammy Awards.  If you missed any of the fun, here’s the best of ‘em…

37% of Americans just yelled “This is nice Bruce, now play a song of yours we actually know!” #Grammys

I WANT TO MARRY ADELE AND HAVE THE RECEPTION AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL WITH THE UPGRADED STEAK STATION! #Grammys

Want to impress me Bruno? Put your $ where your mouth is. Catch a grenade and jump in front of a train for a woman live on national TV.

Bruno Mars just handed his hairpiece to Alicia Keys. #Grammys

Chris Brown: “Okay dancers, here’s what you’re going to do… Run run jump tumble run twist jump jump jump turn twist jump.” #Grammys

Well now we know Chris Brown can jump on boxes while lip syncing to his iPod on national TV. Shit, I can even do that. #lame #Grammys

“Unfortunately Jay-Z is busy with his newborn and Kanye West is too busy being a douchebag to be here.” #Grammys

Thank God the Foo Fighters took time out of their busy schedule of fighting foo to perform tonight. #Grammys

hoih nasfiuhknakbdsf aiy8[lkmkl a fkasjf9h ';lal aoishiufah f [sorry trying to tweet while closing my eyes and swaying my head to Paradise]

Music Fact: Adam Levine has the power to appear on TV and instantly make millions of women horny. #Grammys

Taylor Swift gives that same exact shocked look when Taco Bell actually gets her order right, too. #Grammys

This is Katy Perry’s new track called “Fuck you Russell Brand!” #Grammys

With Katy Perry and Adele’s performances, the Grammy awards has officially become a man hating Lifetime special. #Grammys

Still waiting for my favorite part of night: When the head of the recording industry chastises me for not buying music their way. #Grammys

This would be so much better if an attorney from Disney gave the wannabe Mickey Mouse a cease and desist live on air! #Grammys

Oh wait NOW I get it! This is Nicki Minaj’s tribute to Lady Gaga! got it! #Grammys

 Thank YOU for your retweets, comments and favorites!  You can play along with me during other live events at twitter.com/matthaze.

Live Tweetin’ the CNN Republican Debate

Hi.  My name is Matt and I watch the debates so you don’t have to.  If you missed my analysis and “translation” of what the Republican candidates were saying last night, here’s a few of the tweets you missed…

As a long time choir boy, I want the candidates mic’ed when they sing the National Anthem. Proper diction gets you 10 points. #CNNdebate

King: “For our one minute responses, we will use this banana kitchen timer we picked up at the dollar store to support the local community.”

And at 8:10pm ET, the CNN Republican Debate has officially become a WWE-sanctioned main event. DING! DING! DING! #CNNdebate

Did you know: When you see Rick Santorum writing, he’s actually finish today’s @nytimes Crossword Puzzle. #CNNdebate

Romney: “I’m not sure how to get the economy back on track, but I have the best damn tie on stage tonight. Damn I look good.” #CNNdebate

Romney: “Capitalism works. Don’t believe me? I have a PO Box in the Cayman Islands full of proof! Shit, did I say that outloud?” #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Sure, Mitt Romney has a better tie tonight. But don’t judge me just because my tie looks like the lining of a picnic basket.”

Gingrich: “Did you hear that Heacliff Huxtabule?? Elect me and Theo will FINALLY move out!!” #CosbyShowFTW #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Footsie is the only game my wife and I play in bed.” #CNNdebate

Santorum to Romney: “I don’t want to be governor, but that IS 4 down on this crossword I’m working on, thank you!” #CNNdebate

CNN: “And now as we go to break, here is a shot of 3 tweets you sent to pretend we actually give a crap about you.” #CNNdebate

Romney: “I will release my tax records, but all you need to know is yes, I CAN large size my value meal at McDonalds.” #CNNdebate

King: “Oh shut it with the boos! Gingrich already ripped me a new one tonight!!” #CNNdebate

Did you know: During commercial breaks, beer guys from local ball parks roam the aisles. #CNNdebate

Romney: “My killer tie cost more than your car.” #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Honestly, I don’t know how the hell I’m still in this, either.” #CNNdebate

Paul: “To tackle illegal immigration, I would end the INS and hand things over to a secret organization called the Men in Black. #CNNdebate

Romney: “I wrote a book. Yes, I am plugging things more than Ricky Gervais at an awards show.” #CNNdebate

Jimmy Kimmel is to Matt Damon as John King is to Ron Paul. #WeAreOutOfTime #CNNdebate

 

Live Tweeting of the Golden Globe Awards 2012

 

Last night was the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards.  I haven’t seen 90% of the movies and shows that were up for awards.  So I pretty much just watched to make fun of something.  If you missed my “live commentary” of the event on Twitter, here’s some of what ya missed…

 

It takes 7 people to create the #GoldenGlobes seating chart. And you thought creating the seating chart for your wedding was a bitch!

The two woman with Morgan Freeman are just happy to have a new Facebook profile photo better than their friends. #GoldenGlobes

For the record, tonight *I* am wearing Gap and Target. Took 2 minutes to get ready. #Fashion #goldenglobes

FACT: If the economy gets any worse, the Golden Globes will be moved from the Hilton to the neighboring Motel 6 parking lot. #GoldenGlobes

I would love to go out to eat with Johnny Depp and hear him order dinner with that voice and creep the shit out of the waiter. #GoldenGlobes

FACT: The value of the bottles of wine and champagne you see on those tables are more than what you make a year. #GoldenGlobes

FUN FACT: During commercials, celebrities run back to the buffet to get a second plate before the carving station closes. #GoldenGlobes

Am I the only one that thinks “I’ve saw her boobs in Titanic in 8th grade!” every time I seen Kate Winslet? #GoldenGlobes

That loud noise you just heard was women across America screaming when Adam Levine appeared on their TV. #GoldenGlobes #iWishIHadHisHair

“I’m not French, but I DO have a killer fake British accent when I’m in London to pretend I’m not really American!” – Madonna #GoldenGlobes

The BBC is killing it tonight. The UK’s TV License Fee being put to good use in America! Brilliant! #GoldenGlobes

Hi I’m Brad Pitt and I need to stop by a Best Cuts $7.95 haircut special soon. #goldenglobes

“Hi I’m Nicole Kidman and I used to f*ck Tom Cruise before he went nuts.” #GoldenGlobes

blah blah great group of actors blah blah great crew blah blah thank you writers blah blah I’m still better than all of you. #GoldenGlobes

HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! #GOLDENGLOBES