Bizarre Observations with Matt Haze

Laugh, then think. From the mind of comedian Matt Haze.

Category Archives: Business models

BREAKING NEWS: Royal wedding video sales spark Walmart to sell "common folk" wedding DVDs as well

Just part of Walmart's new Wedding DVD section

Just part of Walmart's new Wedding DVD section

After seeing respectable sales numbers for DVDs of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding, international retailer Walmart has decided to start selling other wedding DVDs, including those of “common folk” in their new Wedding DVD section.

Erin Healy, a recently married woman in Zanesville, Ohio is thrilled that a retrospective DVD of their reception, held in the basement of a local VFW hall, is the first addition to this new selection.  ”I can’t believe our special day can now be shared by so many!  Ohmigod, you will DIE when you see my Uncle Ralph attempt to dance to the Thriller song!”

Walmart also plans to release a DVD of Jessica & Robert Feldman’s elaborate $471,000 wedding and reception that took place in New York City last summer.  The high-priced affair has been praised by critics as “a fairytale wedding on a New York City budget.”  The event included a horse carriage ride through Central Park as well as a special sing along of “Sweet Caroline” conducted by the bride’s very drunk father half way through the night.

Not everyone is happy about this new section, though.  Concerned husbands have stated that say they are already forced by their newly minted brides to watch the video of their OWN wedding once a month.  The last thing they want to see is someone else’s elaborate event.

Expect to see the new Wedding DVD section to be rolled out nationwide over the next 60 days.

BREAKING NEWS: Sports Illustrated investigation expands to Indiana Little League team

Sports Illustrated is now expanding its investigation of coaches and organizations for improper deals and gifts to teams outside of college sports.

This week, SI will report that a U12 Boys Little League Team in South Bend, Indiana named the “Jimbo’s Auto Repair White Sox” did not properly disclose to the league that they received complimentary dipped vanilla cones from the local Dairy Queen for, what the store manager called, “a good job on the field.”

South Bend Little League spokesperson Darryl Wallace was surprised by the story, but also was glad that the news got out.  ”I’ve known their coach Jim Bryan since 8th grade math class.  He’s always been a little shady.  I first noticed it when he stole my girl during the Valentine’s Day mixer.  Getting free ice cream for the kids without proper disclosure is just the tip of the iceberg of what this guy has done.”

“I wasn’t aware that a little league team had to disclose when the kids get free ice cream.  I think it was a nice gesture by the Dairy Queen to do that and it in no way implies some sort of payment to make them professionals,” said Coach Jim Bryan on the accusations that he did not follow proper league protocol when members of the team received special treatment.  ”I have to sign a damn form for ice cream??  REALLY?!”

A Sports Illustrated staff member, who wishes to remain anonymous, told MattHaze.com that they will continue to go after teams, coaches and players that have to deal with unrealistic rules in today’s sports environment.  ”We’re S.I.  We are the leader and all-knowing almighty of sports.  This witch-hunt will continue until our yearly sales numbers have been met.  Then we’ll get back to harassing Tiger Woods.”

Daily Haze EXTRA: Job hunting. Is it time to change your ways?

The unemployment rate has been hanging around 10% for awhile now.  We all know someone looking for work.  It’s obvious that millions of Americans are hunting for the next spot where they land.

So why aren’t people looking for work doing things differently?  Why are they still doing the same things to find a job?

I want to help.

Take a listen to the podcast then answer today’s Facebook Question of the Day.

The ACTUAL Top 10 Social Media Tools For Success

Everywhere you look, social media “experts” like to share with you their top 5 success tools or top 10 ways to get more followers or top 10 items that are just pointless to pay attention to.

I’ve been successful with what I do because of what I do.  I am a content machine.  I write.  I post.  I interact.

So with that being said… ladies and gentlemen… I am here to do my part.  I am here to share my wealth of social media knowledge in my half-ass brain.  Without further ado, I would like to present to you…

Matt Haze’s Top 10 Social Media Tools for Success.  (From personal experience.)

1.  A Twitter account: You need an outlet to post this content, right?  Even better… there are people on Twitter who look for this crazy content to post and will send it off to THEIR peeps, too!  I mean, more bang for your buck, right??

2.  Mobile device: To take advantage of opportunities of content that is created with everything you’re going to learn today, you MUST have a mobile device with internet access to deliver this content for the world to see.  If you don’t have a smart phone, you can post to your twitter account through text messages.

3.  Alcohol: Alcohol opens people up.  As Joe Nichols so poetically said in song, “Tequila makes her clothes fall off.”  We say things we normally wouldn’t say when the liquid goodness isn’t flowing through our veins.  We do things we normally we wouldn’t do.  (please refer back to Joe Nichols reference above).  Alcohol brings us to levels we normally wouldn’t allow ourselves to reach when that coke in our hand is just coke and not with Jack Daniels in it.  These actions and happenings are priceless material.

4.  A Bar: When you consume item #3 in an establishment created just for people getting together and doing such an act, your chances for social media content increases.  If you’re not the one who does dumb things when you’re drunk, you will be surrounded by people who ARE, though.  Let THEM make an ass out of themselves.  Then twtipic that shit!

5.  Hot drunk chicks:  I mean, who doesn’t love hot drunk chicks?  They can dance to any song that’s playing.  They love everyone, no matter who they are or what they look like.  The later into the night and the more shady douchebags hand them free drinks hoping for a chance to take them home later that night, the more opportunities for content.

6.  Alcohol, a bar and hot drunk chicks TOGETHER: The holy grail of social media content success.  This is the money pot.  This will bring you content that only your mind can normally create, if not better!  Get all of these together and you’ll thank me later.

7.  Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife: We ALL have a good story about the people in our lives we used to love (or just sleep with).  They get angry, they throw a fit, they blame us for all of their problems.  Well people, now is your time to show the world how much of a selfish bitch she is or how much of a worthless prick he is.  Post that million dollar content that comes out of their mouth, people!

8.  Justin Bieber: Want more followers?  You get one new follower for every single time you mention the little brat’s name in a tweet on twitter.  But be forewarned… mentioning Justin’s name in a tweet automatically makes you a “creepy tweeter.”

9.  The streets of New York: I am blessed to be living in the greatest city in the world.  Not because of the fantastic opportunities that I create around me or the best pizza on the planet.  But because stand on any street corner anywhere in the city and you’re guaranteed to find some of the most bizarre people that walk the streets, as well as said people saying the strangest things you’ve ever heard.  Take pictures.  Take video.  Write down what they said.  And use it, my friends.

10.  YOU: Look in the mirror.  Wave hi to yourself.  Inside of you is real content.  Real ideas.  Real things you want to talk about.  Let it out.  Tell the world.  Stop relying on others and their posts.  Stop relying on fear to stop you from opening up and starting a conversation.  Ask a question.  Share an opinion.  And watch social media magic happen.