Bizarre Observations with Matt Haze

Laugh, then think. From the mind of comedian Matt Haze.

Category Archives: Just for fun

BREAKING NEWS: Royal wedding video sales spark Walmart to sell "common folk" wedding DVDs as well

Just part of Walmart's new Wedding DVD section

Just part of Walmart's new Wedding DVD section

After seeing respectable sales numbers for DVDs of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding, international retailer Walmart has decided to start selling other wedding DVDs, including those of “common folk” in their new Wedding DVD section.

Erin Healy, a recently married woman in Zanesville, Ohio is thrilled that a retrospective DVD of their reception, held in the basement of a local VFW hall, is the first addition to this new selection.  ”I can’t believe our special day can now be shared by so many!  Ohmigod, you will DIE when you see my Uncle Ralph attempt to dance to the Thriller song!”

Walmart also plans to release a DVD of Jessica & Robert Feldman’s elaborate $471,000 wedding and reception that took place in New York City last summer.  The high-priced affair has been praised by critics as “a fairytale wedding on a New York City budget.”  The event included a horse carriage ride through Central Park as well as a special sing along of “Sweet Caroline” conducted by the bride’s very drunk father half way through the night.

Not everyone is happy about this new section, though.  Concerned husbands have stated that say they are already forced by their newly minted brides to watch the video of their OWN wedding once a month.  The last thing they want to see is someone else’s elaborate event.

Expect to see the new Wedding DVD section to be rolled out nationwide over the next 60 days.

BREAKING NEWS: Jeopardy! has run out of answers

The day that the creators of Jeopardy! hoped would never happen when they formed the show in 1964 is here.

Jeopardy! has run out of answers for their shows.

“Mr. Griffin had a feeling that this day would come someday.  And over the 47 year run of the show, we’ve tried to plan for this day as best as we can.  It’s amazing that we’ve been able to use every bit of trivia involving history, literature, the arts, pop culture, science, sports, geography and wordplay.  But now that we’re here, it’s worse than what we envisioned it would be,” an anonymous producer told MattHaze.com.

In an attempt to move the show in a new direction and match today’s popularity in reality television, producers have  decided to venture into the personal world of Americans to gather the next generation of trivia questions.

Researchers are using numerous sources to gather information… including Facebook status updates, diaries of children that their parents threw out and now found in a landfill and overheard gossip at a Starbucks discussed by rich housewives with too much time on their hands.

One of the first contestants playing in this new format, Scott Briggs of Boulder, Colorado, is not too thrilled about the idea.

“Really?!  How the hell was I supposed to know that a cabbage patch doll is what Sarah Christie in Omaha, Nebraska got for her 7th birthday in 1989?!  This is bulls***!”

Other answers and questions used on the first show with the new format include…

ANSWER:  David Beckham.
QUESTION:  Who did Christie O’Brien Smith say her “celebrity free pass” is?

ANSWER:  ”Ohmigod!  That bitch is crazy!  No wonder she got knocked up last summer!”
QUESTION:  What was Judy Kwiatkowski’s first reaction when she heard “Barbie” slept with Jennifer’s husband last Friday?

ANSWER:  Left on Briarwood Drive, right on Valley View, 3rd house on right.  Key is under the potted plant.
QUESTION:  How do you get to Grandma Mary’s house?

Producers are hoping the new format will increase the short term ratings and set the show up for future long-term growth.  ”Our questions really match what reality television is presenting today, so it should be a real winner for us.  I mean, who doesn’t love hearing about someone else’s drama??”