Ladies, no need to worry about him meeting your family for the first time. He’s already taken that big first step! And made a big first impression! Can we say keeper?!
Category Archives: Life
BREAKING NEWS: Royal wedding video sales spark Walmart to sell "common folk" wedding DVDs as well
Just part of Walmart's new Wedding DVD section
After seeing respectable sales numbers for DVDs of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding, international retailer Walmart has decided to start selling other wedding DVDs, including those of “common folk” in their new Wedding DVD section.
Erin Healy, a recently married woman in Zanesville, Ohio is thrilled that a retrospective DVD of their reception, held in the basement of a local VFW hall, is the first addition to this new selection. ”I can’t believe our special day can now be shared by so many! Ohmigod, you will DIE when you see my Uncle Ralph attempt to dance to the Thriller song!”
Walmart also plans to release a DVD of Jessica & Robert Feldman’s elaborate $471,000 wedding and reception that took place in New York City last summer. The high-priced affair has been praised by critics as “a fairytale wedding on a New York City budget.” The event included a horse carriage ride through Central Park as well as a special sing along of “Sweet Caroline” conducted by the bride’s very drunk father half way through the night.
Not everyone is happy about this new section, though. Concerned husbands have stated that say they are already forced by their newly minted brides to watch the video of their OWN wedding once a month. The last thing they want to see is someone else’s elaborate event.
Expect to see the new Wedding DVD section to be rolled out nationwide over the next 60 days.
BREAKING NEWS: To be fair, NBA awards all 30 teams the Championship
Good job!
Just minutes after the Dallas Mavericks win their first championship in franchise history, the NBA announced, to be fair, that all 30 teams in the league automatically win a shared Championship to make a statement to the youth of America that “winning isn’t everything.”
“We’re seeing more and more student sport leagues do this, and we want to be good role models to the future of America,” said NBA commissioner David Stern. ”We plan to have an awards banquet with all the league players and give every one of them a Participation Ribbon to say good job this season.”
Miami Heat star LeBron James is quite pleased with the commissioner’s decision. ”We all work hard every year, most of it you don’t see. Even if we don’t achieve the big prize, we are all winners in our own minds. I plan to win many of these ribbons in my career. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not even seven… I will win MANY!”
BREAKING NEWS: Sports Illustrated investigation expands to Indiana Little League team
Sports Illustrated is now expanding its investigation of coaches and organizations for improper deals and gifts to teams outside of college sports.
This week, SI will report that a U12 Boys Little League Team in South Bend, Indiana named the “Jimbo’s Auto Repair White Sox” did not properly disclose to the league that they received complimentary dipped vanilla cones from the local Dairy Queen for, what the store manager called, “a good job on the field.”
South Bend Little League spokesperson Darryl Wallace was surprised by the story, but also was glad that the news got out. ”I’ve known their coach Jim Bryan since 8th grade math class. He’s always been a little shady. I first noticed it when he stole my girl during the Valentine’s Day mixer. Getting free ice cream for the kids without proper disclosure is just the tip of the iceberg of what this guy has done.”
“I wasn’t aware that a little league team had to disclose when the kids get free ice cream. I think it was a nice gesture by the Dairy Queen to do that and it in no way implies some sort of payment to make them professionals,” said Coach Jim Bryan on the accusations that he did not follow proper league protocol when members of the team received special treatment. ”I have to sign a damn form for ice cream?? REALLY?!”
A Sports Illustrated staff member, who wishes to remain anonymous, told MattHaze.com that they will continue to go after teams, coaches and players that have to deal with unrealistic rules in today’s sports environment. ”We’re S.I. We are the leader and all-knowing almighty of sports. This witch-hunt will continue until our yearly sales numbers have been met. Then we’ll get back to harassing Tiger Woods.”
BREAKING NEWS: Jeopardy! has run out of answers
The day that the creators of Jeopardy! hoped would never happen when they formed the show in 1964 is here.
Jeopardy! has run out of answers for their shows.
“Mr. Griffin had a feeling that this day would come someday. And over the 47 year run of the show, we’ve tried to plan for this day as best as we can. It’s amazing that we’ve been able to use every bit of trivia involving history, literature, the arts, pop culture, science, sports, geography and wordplay. But now that we’re here, it’s worse than what we envisioned it would be,” an anonymous producer told MattHaze.com.
In an attempt to move the show in a new direction and match today’s popularity in reality television, producers have decided to venture into the personal world of Americans to gather the next generation of trivia questions.
Researchers are using numerous sources to gather information… including Facebook status updates, diaries of children that their parents threw out and now found in a landfill and overheard gossip at a Starbucks discussed by rich housewives with too much time on their hands.
One of the first contestants playing in this new format, Scott Briggs of Boulder, Colorado, is not too thrilled about the idea.
“Really?! How the hell was I supposed to know that a cabbage patch doll is what Sarah Christie in Omaha, Nebraska got for her 7th birthday in 1989?! This is bulls***!”
Other answers and questions used on the first show with the new format include…
ANSWER: David Beckham.
QUESTION: Who did Christie O’Brien Smith say her “celebrity free pass” is?
ANSWER: ”Ohmigod! That bitch is crazy! No wonder she got knocked up last summer!”
QUESTION: What was Judy Kwiatkowski’s first reaction when she heard “Barbie” slept with Jennifer’s husband last Friday?
ANSWER: Left on Briarwood Drive, right on Valley View, 3rd house on right. Key is under the potted plant.
QUESTION: How do you get to Grandma Mary’s house?
Producers are hoping the new format will increase the short term ratings and set the show up for future long-term growth. ”Our questions really match what reality television is presenting today, so it should be a real winner for us. I mean, who doesn’t love hearing about someone else’s drama??”
26: Gas Penny Pinchers
This sh*t ain't cheap.
It’s no secret Americans are paying more at the pump. Even those who normally aren’t bothered by the cost cringe a little bit when they see the total after fillin’ er up!
But blows my mind is the extent that people will go to save a few bucks. Sure, it’d be nice to save a bit when we fill up. But does driving across town to save a few pennies per gallon really add up in the long run?
I grab my handy calculator that I still have from sophomore calculus and do the math.
Take a listen! Then answer the Facebook Question of the Day HERE!
Bizarre Observation #3: Any woman who says this is a liar.
Greeting card fail.
Bizarre Observation #2: Heaven for women
A chocolate store and a shoe store right next to each other. Women call this “heaven.”
Daily Haze EXTRA: Would OUR revolution be different?
The fact that we can instantly see what is unfolding in Egypt wherever we are thanks to technology is astounding. You can be walking around in the middle of nowhere and watch streaming video from Cario live on your mobile device.
And the fact that people in Egypt are gathering and connecting to protest instantly via social media is even MORE astounding!
Do you think if the American revolution in the 1700s had social media, our fight would have been different?
Take a listen to today’s podcast… then answer the Facebook Question of the Day!
Daily Haze EXTRA: Big, bad Walmart… or not?
Over the last few weeks, Walmart has started a campaign to get their message out and to get a store inside of New York City. It’s no secret that the retailer has had issues getting inside of major metropolitan areas in the past.
I believe the people who are fighting to keep Walmart out are hypocrites.
Why?
Take a listen. Then answer the Facebook Question of the Day!