Bizarre Observations with Matt Haze

Laugh, then think. From the mind of comedian Matt Haze.

Category Archives: Twitter

Live tweets from S*p*rB*wl XLV

If you missed my live tweeting of S*p*rB*wl XLV (I legally can’t say the word), then here’s a quick review of my off-the-wall opinions throughout the night.

Due to NFL trademark rules, you are not allowed to tweet using the word S*p*rB*wl. You must say “the big game.” #GreedyBastards

It’s a good thing this Superbowl pre-game show isn’t on NBC. They would replace these guys mid-show with Jay Leno.

FOX is now starting hour 28 of their Superbowl pre-game show.#sb45

Can’t wait for the biggest sporting event on TV tonight! The women’s billiards championship on ESPN2!

Cavs can’t win a game and the Steelers are playing in the Superbowl. If you know a Cleveland sports fan, call and make sure they’re okay.

Gentlemen, just because you’ve been drinking since 7am doesn’t mean that cleaver pick up line will work on her tonight.#TheMoreYouKnow

I’m offended by these Superbowl commercials. There are not enough balding geeky midwest white boys in them. #EqualityForAll

So after you leave the break up lunch, your Chevy Cruz will also tell you when your ex changes their Facebook relationship status.

Where do I call to vote Joe Buck off the show? Oh wait, this isn’t American Idol. My bad.

I think they hired some high school kid off of craigslist to run the audio for the halftime show.

Any woman who has the same exact outfit Fergie is wearing, please call me. I have $200 cash and I like to have a good time.

Hey look it’s people dancing with boxes on their head. Because I totally see that every day in America.

If that’s the future of music, we’re gonna run out of people to put in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And rather quickly.

Cram It in the Boot. I “accidentally” rented that adult movie at a motel once. Or twice.

When men heard “cram it in the boot,” they looked over at their woman who quickly said “aw hell no!”

“Cram it in the boot” is also a pick up line Ben Roethlisberger will try to use next week in a bar. #HeIsACreep

Cram It In The Boot sounds like something Charlie Sheen does with porn stars.

Why can’t I vote for the Halftime Show Sound Engineer for Superbowl MVP???

I love when I see 50 people tweet TOUCHDOWN at the same time. Because I so didn’t just see that on my TV. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Shelia in the cars.com ad gets around.

These GoDaddy commercials are so 2000 and late. (see what I did there?!)

You know, because we TOTALLY pay our teachers enough money to afford a Camaro. #oops

Translation of the Verizon Wireless ad: “SUCK IT AT&T!!!!!”

Brett Favre is sitting and home crying. To feel better, he’ll send out a picture of his penis.

Aaron Rodgers, while holding the Lombardy trophy: “HEY BRETT FAVRE! TAKE A PICTURE OF *THIS*!!! IT’S A TAD BIGGER THAN YOURS HUH?!”

And just like that with the start of GLEE, football fans everywhere just yelled “what the f*ck is this???”

Make sure to follow me on twitter during big events for the fun!  twitter.com/matthaze

The ACTUAL Top 10 Social Media Tools For Success

Everywhere you look, social media “experts” like to share with you their top 5 success tools or top 10 ways to get more followers or top 10 items that are just pointless to pay attention to.

I’ve been successful with what I do because of what I do.  I am a content machine.  I write.  I post.  I interact.

So with that being said… ladies and gentlemen… I am here to do my part.  I am here to share my wealth of social media knowledge in my half-ass brain.  Without further ado, I would like to present to you…

Matt Haze’s Top 10 Social Media Tools for Success.  (From personal experience.)

1.  A Twitter account: You need an outlet to post this content, right?  Even better… there are people on Twitter who look for this crazy content to post and will send it off to THEIR peeps, too!  I mean, more bang for your buck, right??

2.  Mobile device: To take advantage of opportunities of content that is created with everything you’re going to learn today, you MUST have a mobile device with internet access to deliver this content for the world to see.  If you don’t have a smart phone, you can post to your twitter account through text messages.

3.  Alcohol: Alcohol opens people up.  As Joe Nichols so poetically said in song, “Tequila makes her clothes fall off.”  We say things we normally wouldn’t say when the liquid goodness isn’t flowing through our veins.  We do things we normally we wouldn’t do.  (please refer back to Joe Nichols reference above).  Alcohol brings us to levels we normally wouldn’t allow ourselves to reach when that coke in our hand is just coke and not with Jack Daniels in it.  These actions and happenings are priceless material.

4.  A Bar: When you consume item #3 in an establishment created just for people getting together and doing such an act, your chances for social media content increases.  If you’re not the one who does dumb things when you’re drunk, you will be surrounded by people who ARE, though.  Let THEM make an ass out of themselves.  Then twtipic that shit!

5.  Hot drunk chicks:  I mean, who doesn’t love hot drunk chicks?  They can dance to any song that’s playing.  They love everyone, no matter who they are or what they look like.  The later into the night and the more shady douchebags hand them free drinks hoping for a chance to take them home later that night, the more opportunities for content.

6.  Alcohol, a bar and hot drunk chicks TOGETHER: The holy grail of social media content success.  This is the money pot.  This will bring you content that only your mind can normally create, if not better!  Get all of these together and you’ll thank me later.

7.  Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife: We ALL have a good story about the people in our lives we used to love (or just sleep with).  They get angry, they throw a fit, they blame us for all of their problems.  Well people, now is your time to show the world how much of a selfish bitch she is or how much of a worthless prick he is.  Post that million dollar content that comes out of their mouth, people!

8.  Justin Bieber: Want more followers?  You get one new follower for every single time you mention the little brat’s name in a tweet on twitter.  But be forewarned… mentioning Justin’s name in a tweet automatically makes you a “creepy tweeter.”

9.  The streets of New York: I am blessed to be living in the greatest city in the world.  Not because of the fantastic opportunities that I create around me or the best pizza on the planet.  But because stand on any street corner anywhere in the city and you’re guaranteed to find some of the most bizarre people that walk the streets, as well as said people saying the strangest things you’ve ever heard.  Take pictures.  Take video.  Write down what they said.  And use it, my friends.

10.  YOU: Look in the mirror.  Wave hi to yourself.  Inside of you is real content.  Real ideas.  Real things you want to talk about.  Let it out.  Tell the world.  Stop relying on others and their posts.  Stop relying on fear to stop you from opening up and starting a conversation.  Ask a question.  Share an opinion.  And watch social media magic happen.