Hi.  My name is Matt and I watch the debates so you don’t have to.  If you missed my analysis and “translation” of what the Republican candidates were saying last night, here’s a few of the tweets you missed…

As a long time choir boy, I want the candidates mic’ed when they sing the National Anthem. Proper diction gets you 10 points. #CNNdebate

King: “For our one minute responses, we will use this banana kitchen timer we picked up at the dollar store to support the local community.”

And at 8:10pm ET, the CNN Republican Debate has officially become a WWE-sanctioned main event. DING! DING! DING! #CNNdebate

Did you know: When you see Rick Santorum writing, he’s actually finish today’s @nytimes Crossword Puzzle. #CNNdebate

Romney: “I’m not sure how to get the economy back on track, but I have the best damn tie on stage tonight. Damn I look good.” #CNNdebate

Romney: “Capitalism works. Don’t believe me? I have a PO Box in the Cayman Islands full of proof! Shit, did I say that outloud?” #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Sure, Mitt Romney has a better tie tonight. But don’t judge me just because my tie looks like the lining of a picnic basket.”

Gingrich: “Did you hear that Heacliff Huxtabule?? Elect me and Theo will FINALLY move out!!” #CosbyShowFTW #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Footsie is the only game my wife and I play in bed.” #CNNdebate

Santorum to Romney: “I don’t want to be governor, but that IS 4 down on this crossword I’m working on, thank you!” #CNNdebate

CNN: “And now as we go to break, here is a shot of 3 tweets you sent to pretend we actually give a crap about you.” #CNNdebate

Romney: “I will release my tax records, but all you need to know is yes, I CAN large size my value meal at McDonalds.” #CNNdebate

King: “Oh shut it with the boos! Gingrich already ripped me a new one tonight!!” #CNNdebate

Did you know: During commercial breaks, beer guys from local ball parks roam the aisles. #CNNdebate

Romney: “My killer tie cost more than your car.” #CNNdebate

Santorum: “Honestly, I don’t know how the hell I’m still in this, either.” #CNNdebate

Paul: “To tackle illegal immigration, I would end the INS and hand things over to a secret organization called the Men in Black. #CNNdebate

Romney: “I wrote a book. Yes, I am plugging things more than Ricky Gervais at an awards show.” #CNNdebate

Jimmy Kimmel is to Matt Damon as John King is to Ron Paul. #WeAreOutOfTime #CNNdebate

Last night was the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards.  I haven’t seen 90% of the movies and shows that were up for awards.  So I pretty much just watched to make fun of something.  If you missed my “live commentary” of the event on Twitter, here’s some of what ya missed…

It takes 7 people to create the #GoldenGlobes seating chart. And you thought creating the seating chart for your wedding was a bitch!

The two woman with Morgan Freeman are just happy to have a new Facebook profile photo better than their friends. #GoldenGlobes

For the record, tonight *I* am wearing Gap and Target. Took 2 minutes to get ready. #Fashion #goldenglobes

FACT: If the economy gets any worse, the Golden Globes will be moved from the Hilton to the neighboring Motel 6 parking lot. #GoldenGlobes

I would love to go out to eat with Johnny Depp and hear him order dinner with that voice and creep the shit out of the waiter. #GoldenGlobes

FACT: The value of the bottles of wine and champagne you see on those tables are more than what you make a year. #GoldenGlobes

FUN FACT: During commercials, celebrities run back to the buffet to get a second plate before the carving station closes. #GoldenGlobes

Am I the only one that thinks “I’ve saw her boobs in Titanic in 8th grade!” every time I seen Kate Winslet? #GoldenGlobes

That loud noise you just heard was women across America screaming when Adam Levine appeared on their TV. #GoldenGlobes #iWishIHadHisHair

“I’m not French, but I DO have a killer fake British accent when I’m in London to pretend I’m not really American!” – Madonna #GoldenGlobes

The BBC is killing it tonight. The UK’s TV License Fee being put to good use in America! Brilliant! #GoldenGlobes

Hi I’m Brad Pitt and I need to stop by a Best Cuts $7.95 haircut special soon. #goldenglobes

“Hi I’m Nicole Kidman and I used to f*ck Tom Cruise before he went nuts.” #GoldenGlobes

blah blah great group of actors blah blah great crew blah blah thank you writers blah blah I’m still better than all of you. #GoldenGlobes

HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! HOT WOMAN TALKING IN SPANISH ON TV!! #GOLDENGLOBES

(thanks to @BarryBeth for discovering this!)

SO.  There are many questions.  Where do we go from here?  What happens to the tree?  I answer them all below…

Thank you for everything.

Habitat for Humanity: www.habitat.org

Me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/matthaze

Not me.

I have a different wish.

I explain below…

Happy Holidays, hot stuff.