Bizarre Observations with Matt Haze

Laugh, then think. From the mind of comedian Matt Haze.

Ohio State fan teaches Michigan fans how to update Facebook about win for first time EVER

I’m from Ohio.  I’m a lifelong Buckeyes fan.  Today was a sad day.

But I’m a good sport.

You see, the last time Michigan beat Ohio State in The Game was in 2003.  Facebook and Twitter were not even around yet.  So for the last few years, us Buckeye fans have had the pleasure of gloating and bragging about winning The Game.

Since this is Michigan’s first time having bragging rights on the social networks (and the last time they did it was on MySpace), I thought I’d teach them how to do it, step-by-step.

 

The Great Winter Hat Debate

For those of us who don’t have the luxury to have natural insulation on our head [read: hair], purchasing a winter hat for the season is a vital decision.  Not only for fashion.  But for the basic human need of warmth.

This year, I took to Twitter to show people what it’s like behind the scenes to find the Official Winter Hat.  Here is how it went down…

Option A:  The Hillbilly Hat.
Hey, I’m from Ohio.  I may have spent my childhood in the suburbs, but I’ve visited farm land before.

 Option B:  The Hillbilly Hat Part 2.
This would have worked, but unfortunately I have not perfected my Elmer Fudd impersonation yet to make this work.

 Option C:  ANIMAAAAAAAAALLLL!
’nuff said.

Option D:  Kermit
Surprisingly, this was the option people were pulling for the most.  Many people were #TeamKermit.  Either a. People have no sense of fashion.  or b. They never want me to date ever again.

Option E:  Basic, yet hot.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE OFFICIAL MATT HAZE 2011-2012 WINTER SEASON HAT!

Since I put this out to the world last week, the one question I’ve been asked most is “Did you buy the Kermit hat???”  I plead the fifth.  And please don’t look in my closet.

Occupy Wall Street: The Eviction… LIVE on Twitter

We are protestors. Hear us roar.

We are protestors. Hear us roar.

A little after 1am ET this morning, a friend text me to tell me that the Occupy Wall Street protestors were getting kicked out of Zuccotti Park, their home for the last two months.  AND that the action was being streamed live online.

I couldn’t jump out of bed and grab a bag of popcorn quick enough.

Here are some of the tweets that were derived from my brain while watching the soap opera take place live…

Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than a text from a friend saying #OWS is getting raided and I can watch the shit show live online.

They chant “the whole world is watching.” Yes, we are watching. And we’re laughing. Hand me the popcorn! #OWS

Occupying private property has NOTHING to do with your first amendment rights. Please spin a different way and try again. #OWS

MAYBE IF WE SCREAM LOUDER PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY TAKE US SERIOUSLY! I’M SPECIAL! #OWS

EVERYBODY SIIIINNNGGG!!! The paaaaaaarty’s ovveeeeerrrrr… It’s time to call it a daaaaayyyy… http://youtu.be/8LxJMYeqgUQ #OWS

Cop: 2 plus 2 equals 4. Protestor: NO IT’S NOT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS! #OWS

I’d be pissed if they threw away my house tent, too. Do you know how much NYC real estate appreciates in price in 60 days?! #OWS

The whole world is watching? 20k viewers. 6 billion people on planet Earth. Yeah, don’t think so. #OWS

Don’t worry, Mr. Protestor. They sell new tents at Walmart in New Jersey. #OWS

All NYPD really needs is a bunch of old guys yelling “Get off my lawn you whipper snappers!” at the protestors. #OWS