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A Self-Employed Person’s Holiday Calendar

TOUGH.
TOUGH.

It’s a new year.  A time to start anew.  A time to start looking at the upcoming 365 days and wonder “when the hell am I going to be able to get away from the boss?”

As I’m self employed and my boss is a jerk, I feel for you. (apologies if Chaka Khan is now in your head)

One of the many stereotypes of the self-employed is “the ability to control your schedule.” [Yet those W-2 folk on a salary don’t understand that your calendar is actually dictated by your clients’ needs and slow/busy seasons, but let’s keep them thinking we can magically control EVERYTHING!]

So I decided that since I can, I shall create my own holiday schedule for this year instead of following those silly standard ones corporations use.  Included are important personal dates as well as those things that only the self-employed have to deal with.  Your HR people won’t understand.

Because I can… I DECLARE… The Office of Matt Haze will be closed in observance of…

January 2nd – Day After New Year’s Day:  I don’t go out for New Year’s Eve, so nursing a hangover isn’t a priority.  While everyone else takes January 1st off, I’ll be different and take the 2nd off instead.

January 23rd – National Pie Day:  It’s sponsored by the National Pie Council.  You know, the same way Hallmark sponsors Valentine’s Day (ouch, the truth hurts, lovebirds)  But I take it off anyway because, well, pie.

February 18th – Mental Health Day:  The self-employed have more things to stress over than you do.  Sometimes we just need a day.

February 19th – Mental Health Day Part 2:  Man that was fun yesterday.  Let’s do it again!

March 1st – American Airlines Elite Status Membership Day:  Until I hit Executive Platinum status, this day will be used to dream about the day I hit Executive Platinum status and the crazy party I’ll throw for myself.  Of course I’ll let you take a picture of me with my Concierge Key!  I worked hard for that baby!

March 14th – National Pi Day:  The math nerd holiday is often confused for the holiday celebrating the dessert delicacy.  But I take it off anyway because, well, pi.

April 15th – Tax Filing Day:  If you had to do a 20 page return and still don’t know what the hell “passive activity loss rules” are, you’d need a day off to drink, too.

April 16th – My Birthday:  The holiest of all holy days.  One must take advantage of getting free stuff from restaurants all day.  Also, need a day to recover from tax night’s hangover.

April 26th – National Pretzel Day:  If you don’t understand this, you must not be a fan of The Office and we can not be friends.

May 6th – George Clooney’s Birthday:  A day to honor my role model.

Memorial Day Weekend:  Because all of that BBQ doesn’t consume itself!  Someone’s gotta do it!

Last Two Weeks in June – Summer Holiday:  I don’t actually go anywhere, but taking time off for summertime seems to be the thing to do.  So sit on my ass I shall.  Someone hand me a beer.

July 4th – American Independence Day:  I don’t really care for the holiday.  But if I don’t celebrate, they will declare me “un-American” and deport me to England.  Wait that doesn’t sound that bad…

July 17th (observed, not actual day) – The Day Sally Jessy Raphael Followed Me on Twitter:  As a wannabe talk show host, it’s an honor that she follows me and (hopefully) reads my tweets.  Although I still think she may have accidentally followed me during a conversation about Mad Men and just feels too bad to unfollow me.  Still, I’ll take it.

August 5th – Personal Day:  I can’t tell you why because, well, it’s a personal day.

Labor Day Weekend:  See Memorial Day Weekend and just say the words to yourself again.

September 22nd – National Ice Cream Cone Day:  Like I need to explain this.

September 29th – National Coffee Day:  Nothing gets a self-employed person through those long hours and asshole customers like coffee.  (okay maybe bourbon, but…)  The least I can do is take the day off to celebrate and appreciate the goodness the nectar of the gods brings me every single day.

October 15th – Late Tax Filing Deadline Day:  It’s a self employed thing, you W-2 folk on salary wouldn’t understand.

November 1st – Starbucks Red Cup Day:  I’ll admit that I get sick of the holidays about 48 hours into the start of the season, but damn those red cups are magical.  Must drink from them all day.  Do not disturb.

Thanksgiving:  Turkey.  That’s all.

Day After Thanksgiving:  I get up early, drive by the lines of people waiting outside a big box electronic store to get a cheap TV and laugh my rear end off.  The Kardashians will still look ridiculous on your old, beat up TV.  Just go home.

The Last Two Weeks of the Year:  Let’s be honest.  The world stops working on December 15th.  Why show up when no one else is?  Plus, I need time to wrap all of those gifts I give myself… err, I mean to my family.

Please feel free to send me a greeting card for any holiday listed above.  And if you can actually find a greeting card for most of those holidays, marry me.