Matt Haze

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A Self-Employed Person’s Holiday Calendar

2015-01-02 by Matt Haze 2 Comments

TOUGH.
TOUGH.

It’s a new year.  A time to start anew.  A time to start looking at the upcoming 365 days and wonder “when the hell am I going to be able to get away from the boss?”

As I’m self employed and my boss is a jerk, I feel for you. (apologies if Chaka Khan is now in your head)

One of the many stereotypes of the self-employed is “the ability to control your schedule.” [Yet those W-2 folk on a salary don’t understand that your calendar is actually dictated by your clients’ needs and slow/busy seasons, but let’s keep them thinking we can magically control EVERYTHING!]

So I decided that since I can, I shall create my own holiday schedule for this year instead of following those silly standard ones corporations use.  Included are important personal dates as well as those things that only the self-employed have to deal with.  Your HR people won’t understand.

Because I can… I DECLARE… The Office of Matt Haze will be closed in observance of…

January 2nd – Day After New Year’s Day:  I don’t go out for New Year’s Eve, so nursing a hangover isn’t a priority.  While everyone else takes January 1st off, I’ll be different and take the 2nd off instead.

January 23rd – National Pie Day:  It’s sponsored by the National Pie Council.  You know, the same way Hallmark sponsors Valentine’s Day (ouch, the truth hurts, lovebirds)  But I take it off anyway because, well, pie.

February 18th – Mental Health Day:  The self-employed have more things to stress over than you do.  Sometimes we just need a day.

February 19th – Mental Health Day Part 2:  Man that was fun yesterday.  Let’s do it again!

March 1st – American Airlines Elite Status Membership Day:  Until I hit Executive Platinum status, this day will be used to dream about the day I hit Executive Platinum status and the crazy party I’ll throw for myself.  Of course I’ll let you take a picture of me with my Concierge Key!  I worked hard for that baby!

March 14th – National Pi Day:  The math nerd holiday is often confused for the holiday celebrating the dessert delicacy.  But I take it off anyway because, well, pi.

April 15th – Tax Filing Day:  If you had to do a 20 page return and still don’t know what the hell “passive activity loss rules” are, you’d need a day off to drink, too.

April 16th – My Birthday:  The holiest of all holy days.  One must take advantage of getting free stuff from restaurants all day.  Also, need a day to recover from tax night’s hangover.

April 26th – National Pretzel Day:  If you don’t understand this, you must not be a fan of The Office and we can not be friends.

May 6th – George Clooney’s Birthday:  A day to honor my role model.

Memorial Day Weekend:  Because all of that BBQ doesn’t consume itself!  Someone’s gotta do it!

Last Two Weeks in June – Summer Holiday:  I don’t actually go anywhere, but taking time off for summertime seems to be the thing to do.  So sit on my ass I shall.  Someone hand me a beer.

July 4th – American Independence Day:  I don’t really care for the holiday.  But if I don’t celebrate, they will declare me “un-American” and deport me to England.  Wait that doesn’t sound that bad…

July 17th (observed, not actual day) – The Day Sally Jessy Raphael Followed Me on Twitter:  As a wannabe talk show host, it’s an honor that she follows me and (hopefully) reads my tweets.  Although I still think she may have accidentally followed me during a conversation about Mad Men and just feels too bad to unfollow me.  Still, I’ll take it.

August 5th – Personal Day:  I can’t tell you why because, well, it’s a personal day.

Labor Day Weekend:  See Memorial Day Weekend and just say the words to yourself again.

September 22nd – National Ice Cream Cone Day:  Like I need to explain this.

September 29th – National Coffee Day:  Nothing gets a self-employed person through those long hours and asshole customers like coffee.  (okay maybe bourbon, but…)  The least I can do is take the day off to celebrate and appreciate the goodness the nectar of the gods brings me every single day.

October 15th – Late Tax Filing Deadline Day:  It’s a self employed thing, you W-2 folk on salary wouldn’t understand.

November 1st – Starbucks Red Cup Day:  I’ll admit that I get sick of the holidays about 48 hours into the start of the season, but damn those red cups are magical.  Must drink from them all day.  Do not disturb.

Thanksgiving:  Turkey.  That’s all.

Day After Thanksgiving:  I get up early, drive by the lines of people waiting outside a big box electronic store to get a cheap TV and laugh my rear end off.  The Kardashians will still look ridiculous on your old, beat up TV.  Just go home.

The Last Two Weeks of the Year:  Let’s be honest.  The world stops working on December 15th.  Why show up when no one else is?  Plus, I need time to wrap all of those gifts I give myself… err, I mean to my family.

Please feel free to send me a greeting card for any holiday listed above.  And if you can actually find a greeting card for most of those holidays, marry me.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

LinkedIn: Proving High School Never Ends since 2013.

2013-02-13 by Matt Haze Leave a Comment

 

Him: I can't wait until we make out later.  Her:  I can't wait to slap you across the face when you try!
Him: I can’t wait until we make out later. Her: I can’t wait to slap you across the face when you try!

Wasn’t all of this stuff supposed to end on prom night?

Prom was the final time we, as a group of people growing up, would vote for who we thought was the most popular of all.  We’d allow them to trance around during an S Club 7 song wearing a plastic sash and a cheap crown that was just a glorified paper Burger King crown.  And that’d be it.  No more.  We officially grew up and we moved on.

Nope.

The popularity contests didn’t end.

That was just the beginning.

And now LinkedIn is the latest instigator to bring up the lame game again.

The social network, which just surpassed the 200 million user mark, has been emailing “special” users to tell them they’re in the top 1%, 5% and 10% for profile views. as part of celebrating 200 million uses.

Official Matt Haze Translation:  Congratulations, you’ve won a popularity contest!  You’re SPECIAL!

And you know how it’s a popularity contest?  Those users are posting screen shots of the email to gloat about it.  And usually on Facebook and Twitter, NOT LinkedIn itself.  (Isn’t that just like going to your OTHER group of friends to talk about it instead of the people involved itself?  Quick!  Tell me more between 3rd and 4th period and finish the story over lunch just to rub it in my face!)

Part of me thinks these the people showing off their email award (which technically thousands of others got, not making it THAT exclusive) are the same ones you see in prom photos standing far back in the crowd looking slightly annoyed and golf clapping just to be polite.

Now, this is THEIR moment to get back at all those that “wronged” them.  Now they’re grown up and people care about them. When, in theory, we couldn’t really care less.

Now, every single time I see someone post their popularity contest award, I picture them standing up, standing proud and tall, waving their mobile device up in the air and saying THIS…

STOP IT.

Smooches!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

I’m not watching the Grammys because they won’t let me buy music I want. AND I HAVE MONEY TO GIVE THEM.

2013-02-10 by Matt Haze Leave a Comment

gaTonight is “music’s biggest night!”  The 55th annual Grammy Awards.

*mumbles*  That’s nice.

It’s normally a tradition that I watch the award show and live tweet snarky commentary of the show as it happens. A a recovering former radio DJ, it was a fun little thing for me to do.

But tonight, I will not do that.  I will not watch the award show and I will not live tweet it.

Why?

 

BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY TO BUY MUSIC, BUT THE INDUSTRY WON’T LET ME BUY WHAT I WANT.

SERIOUSLY.

LET ME BUY WHAT I WANT, THEN I’LL WATCH YOUR SHOW.

Let me explain.

Thanks to technology, I can listen to music and radio from (pretty much) any part of this planet.  It is AMAZING how technology has evolved like that.  I can listen to pretty much any radio station in the world that streams their audio (LEGALLY as well) in my car through my stereo anywhere I’m driving in America.  Just stream it through my iPhone, plug it into my car and BAM.  It’s just like driving through that city on the other side of the world!  And many times, the audio quality is better than most local FM transmitters in the area.

I do this often.  I listen to stations in London, Toronto, Sydney, Dubai and Auckland just to name a few.  The music mix in each country is different than what we get in America.  Many times, the songs are the same.  Many times, they are different.  Over the last few years, I’ve heard songs on these stations well before America picked them up as “new music.”

But even though I can listen to these stations legally and hear this music, I can not purchase it.  Even though I can listen to it and I really like it and I WANT TO GIVE THEM MY MONEY, because I live in America, I can not purchase it.  They don’t want my money.  My American dollars.  The most valued currency in the world.  (well, most valued for now… that’s a whole other blog post waiting to happen)

Every year during the Grammys, the head of the record industry gets on stage and patronizes people for not buying music exactly how they want you to.  But yet, in 2013, they STILL are screwing up the system.  You still are not letting us buy what we want.  You’re playing a stupid, old business model game.  EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE MONEY TO GIVE YOU.

Here are the three biggest pains of this situation that have come up in the last year…

Example #1:  Sam and the Womp.  Oh do I love myself cheesy sounding songs that sound like they came directly from a late 90s pop album.  They’re fun to turn up and just go crazy for over 3 minutes.  (mental picture.  you’re welcome)  And last year, I discovered one of them while listening to BBC Radio 1.  Sam and the Womp’s Bom Bom (which you can watch the video below).  It’s fun.  It’s cheesy.  It’s very much me.  I could listen to it online on stations in other parts of the world (because America didn’t play it at first).  I could watch the video on YouTube.  But could I actually purchase it online when the album was released last summer?  Hell no!  EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MONEY I WANTED TO GIVE THEM.

Example #2:  Olly Murs.  The British X-Factor poster boy is one of my favorite pop artists out there.  I really started to like him during Chris Moyles’s 52 hour world recording breaking marathon show when the two had one of the worst slow motion acting spots I’ve ever seen in my life.  His music is just fun!  I’ve known about his hit song “Heart Skips a Beat” for a long time, well before it was released here in America last year.  The original version features a rap spot from Rizzle Kicks.  When the label decided to release the song in America, they changed it from Rizzle Kicks to Chiddy Bang.  That’s fine.  But after the American version was released, the official original mix with Rizzle Kicks was no longer available to listen to in America on YouTube.  Why?  Because they want me to listen to the Chiddy version?  Even though I’ve known about the other version (which I like better) and I know it exists?  But they want me to pretend it doesn’t exist now?!  I didn’t know I look like an idiot!  But here’s a lyric video of the original.

Example #3:  Chris Moyles.  I’ve been a diehard fan of the now former Radio 1 breakfast show host for many years.  Listening to The Chris Moyles Show on Radio 1 every day was part of my running ritual.  His show was available to listen to around the world!  Legally!  So when his new parody album was released late in 2012, was I able to purchase it online, even though I could read about it thanks to his numerous plugs on Twitter and I could listen to his old show?  Of course not!  I’m sure Moylesie would like my money.  But even though I was a loyal listener to the show every day online, I couldn’t give them my money online.  Even though Chris has a large following in America thanks to his showing being on Sirius XM for many years as well!  Brilliant work, label!  The physical CD was available to purchase on Amazon as an import, but for nearly $50 with shipping.  Yikes.

I could go on and on.  But these are my biggest recent irks.

You listening, record industry??  Can you see how absurd this is?!?  In 2013?!?

Stop this lame and ridiculous country restriction crap.  We can consume this content thanks to technology.  If we like it, why can’t we purchase it?  WE WANT TO GIVE YOU OUR MONEY.  YOU WANT OUR MONEY.  So find a way to make that happen.

It really is that simple.

Smooches!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: auckland, bbc radio 1, chris moyles, downloads, dubai, grammy awards, grammys, london, music industry, olly murs, radio 1, riaa, sam and the womp, sydney

The amount of the federal budget Congress has fixed in coffee terms…

2012-12-31 by Matt Haze Leave a Comment

President Obama and Congress are currently in the middle of preventing America from taking a ride on the Fiscal Cliff, the new man-made, preventable thrill ride all 300+ million of us Americans might be, um, “enjoying” if they don’t sit down, grow up and act like adults.

So far, the numbers coming out of the negotiations are quite… how do I put this… low.  Currently, according to numbers from CNBC, the deal will raise $600 billion in new revenue in 10 years.

Let’s play my new favorite game show… FUN WITH MATH!!!

*grabs the ‘ol trusty TI-83 calculator from 8th grade*

$600 billion in revenue over 10 years.  That’s $60 billion a year. Our federal budget is $3.8 trillion a year. That means this new stream of income will cover an entire 1.6% of that. If you had $10,000 of personal credit debt, that’s like putting an additional $160 on that debt ever year.

Um, a high school prom committee can cut a better deal on a limo than Congress can cut on a budget deal with the President.

Speaking of high school, classes were better with visuals.  So let’s use a visual because #YOLO.

If we were to compare this in terms we can all relate to, coffee left in our morning coffee cup, it might look something like this…

…and that’s being generous.

Kids, just remember… When going over the Fiscal Cliff, make sure your safety belt is securely fastened and your arms and legs are inside the vehicle at all times.

Thank you for riding America, the world’s financial nightmare.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

My Christmas Wish for YOU…

2011-12-23 by Matt Haze Leave a Comment

Many people wish for things like world peace during the holiday season.

Not me.

I have a different wish.

I explain below…

Happy Holidays, hot stuff. 🙂

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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I’m a comedian and content producer traveling the world to find out how we’re all different, yet still so alike. Nice to digitally meet you!

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